A Soldier's Lament

A somewhat tongue-in-cheek assessment of life in the Service by George W. Tomek, Sr.

I am one of the fellows who made the world safe for Democracy. What a crazy thing that was! I fought and fought, but I had to go anyway. I was called up in Class A. The next time I want to be in Class "B" - B here when they go and B here when they come back.

I remember the day I registered. I went to the man at the desk (who was my own milkman). He asked me my name and I said "You know my name." "What's your name?" he barked; so I told him it was August Childs. He asked, "Are you an alien" - and I saidm "Hell no, I feel fine." He then asked me where I was born and I told him Pittsburgh. Finally, he asked me how old I was and so I told him I would be 23 on the first of July. "Well", he said to me, "on the first of September you'll be in France and that will be the last of August!"

Well, the very day I went into Camp I guess they figured I wouldn't live very long, for the fellow at the desk wrote on my card "Flying Corps". A little later some guy said "Look what the wind blew in!" - and I said - "Wind nothing -- the draft's doing it."

On the second morning they gave me my uniform. What an outfit! As soon as you're in it, you think you can fight anybody. They have 2 sizes -- too tight and too long. The pants were so tight that I couldn't sit down; -- the shoes so big, I turned around 3 times and they didn't even move! And that a raincoat! -- it just strained the rain!

I passed an officer all dressed up with a funny belt, and all that stuff. He said to me, "Didn't you notice my uniform?" and I said "Sure, but what the hell are you kicking about -- look what the gave me!"

Oh it was real nice! Five below one morning when they called us out for underwear inspection. Talk about scenery! -- red flannels, BVD's -- all kinds. And hte union suit I had on was made for a fat man in a circus. The Lieutenant lined us up and told me to stand up. I said "I am up sir -- this underwear just makes you think I'm sitting down." He got so mad at me then that he had me digging a ditch. A bit later he passed by me and said, "Don't throw the dirt up here!" - and I said "Where the hell will I put it?" - and he said, "Dig another hole and pile it in there!"

Three days later we sailed for France. Marching down the pier I had some more bad luck. We had a sergeant who stuttered and it took him so long to say "Halt!" - that two of us marched overboard. Well, they pulled us out and line us up on the pier and the Captain came by and said "Fall in!" - and I said, "I have been in, sir!" I was on a boat 12 days. Nothing going down, but everything coming up! I leaned over the rail constantly. In the middle of my best lean, the Captain rushed up and said, "What Company are you in?" - "18," I said, " and all by myself." He asked me if the Brigadier was up yet. I told him, "If I swallowed it, - it's up." Talk about dumb people! I said to one of the guys, "I guess we've dropped anchor" and he came back with "I knew they'd lose it -- it's been hanging over the side ever since we left New York."

When we landed in France, we went directly into the trenches. The cannons started to roar and shells flew overhead. I was shaking -- with patriotism. I tried to hide behind a tree, but there wasn't enough trees for the officers. Later the Captain came around and said, - "At 5 o'clock we go over the top!" Right then I said, "Captain, I'd like to go on furlough." He said, "Haven't you got any red blood in you?" - and I replied, "Sure but I'd like to keep it there." Five o'clock we went over the top. 10,000 Germans came at us and the way they looked at me you'd think I was the guy who started the war. Our Captain yelled, "Fire at Will!" - but hell, I didn't know any of their names. I guess the guy behind me thought I was will, because he fired his gun and shot me in the excitement. Oh, well....